I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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