i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
