I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
