Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
