youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
