Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so let's talk penis.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
