well I can't set my house on fire every night
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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