I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
