I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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