i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
