I skipped work to stalk him.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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