butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
