literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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