whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
