Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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