I want to make a zoo with you.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
