Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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