We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It all started with a game of naked twister.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
soo... how was my night?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
