my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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