The maid of honor just puked.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
