I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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