I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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