last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
