so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
