Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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