Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
