I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize