We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
