I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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