Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
