i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
