please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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