I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
