so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
