Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
