I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
