So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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