I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
