if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
