so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
