obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
