Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
