I hate all girls vehemently.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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