I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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