saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
