Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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