I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
