I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
