she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
