Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
